My thoughts

Random Acts of Violence

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 06:01:10 GMT

I never post news... but this is really disturbing and really close to home....

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=692762

I've never heard of anything more disturbing. I'm literally nauseous right now :(.

Weddings

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 00:58:22 GMT

My ex Martin just got married yesterday and I had a funny conversation with him on facebook:

S: How was the wedding?
M: I was really really drunk.
S: Were you so nervous you needed to drink?
M: after I drank
S: Yes, usually after you drink, you get drunk.

I can be such a smartass. Any way, I've been thinking about my future wedding a lot lately (damn, ~~he really needs~~ it'd be really great if he proposed soon :P) and thinking about Martin getting married (dumbass) and talking to blackpearl made me think of it a little bit more. I love my bestfriend, Steve, I really do... But he's hardly ever around anymore. He'll still be invited, but I don't think he'll be my "man of honor" anymore. In fact, 2 of the greatest women I have ever met has been online... One of livejournal, another through pogo.... And I think I'd love to have them as my maid of honor(s). They both like pink, as do I, so they'll have no problem being in pink for the day (and don't worry, you get to choose what style of dress you want, just as long as it's pink! Hot pink would be awesome lol). And Ted's 2nd cousins will be my bridesmaids... they'll be in, approximately, their preteen - teen years... I think the oldest is 11 or 12 right now. And of course, Macalia will be the flower girl and she'll be 5 or 6... depends on when it ends up happening....

Any way, that's just what I was thinking :). I'll make this public so that I can send the link to Terri and she can read it! Since she's the other girl I am talking about!

IQ Test

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 18:29:53 GMT

Free-IQTest.net - Free Online IQ Test

Rogue? What?

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 18:15:12 GMT

I Am A: True Neutral Human Rogue (4th Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-9

Dexterity-9

Constitution-9

Intelligence-11

Wisdom-13

Charisma-12

Alignment:
True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Rogues have little in common with each other. While some - maybe even the majority - are stealthy thieves, many serve as scouts, spies, investigators, diplomats, and simple thugs. Rogues are versatile, adaptable, and skilled at getting what others don't want them to get. While not equal to a fighter in combat, a rogue knows how to hit where it hurts, and a sneak attack can dish out a lot of damage. Rogues also seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to avoiding danger. Experienced rogues develop nearly magical powers and skills as they master the arts of stealth, evasion, and sneak attacks. In addition, while not capable of casting spells on their own, a rogue can sometimes 'fake it' well enough to cast spells from scrolls, activate wands, and use just about any other magic item.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus</a></b> (e-mail)

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 03:28:44 GMT

Your Love Type: INFJ

The Protector

In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship.
For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls.

Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in.
However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself.

Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

What's Your Love Type?

Dreams

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 10:56:37 GMT

Weirdest dreams ever.

First dream I wake up from a nap to find it's after 9 PM. I go to my brother asking him when we're leaving for my stepfathers birthday dinner (he turns 50 this Sunday). My brother explains that they've already had the dinner and it was great. See I slept through the whole party. I freak out, start screaming about nobody waking me up. About missing my grandmother and how I never get to see her.

Right. Damn rights I should be mad. My grandmother came back from the grave :P. I should definitely be woken up for that!!!!

Second dream very shortly thereafter there was a "convention" in the dessert that lasted all weekend. Turns out it was like a mini model thing... Models of little tiny houses. I went to it, and saw a model figurine of Luke Skywalkers house on Tatooine (sp?). Any way in the background little old ladies were bickering:

First Old Lady: You're not suppose to rub it off.
Second Old Lady: But I thought you're suppose to rub off the penis, otherwise any old person could see it.
First Old Lady and Me: That's the point!

Everyone laughed and laughed... then I went away and looked at more models and I bumped into Ted in the kitchen of some building. He said something about being lonely but wanting a female. "A female after my own name." I said, with a confused look on my face, "Why would you want a girl with the name Ted?" He just smiled at me like he does when I make a funny and kissed my forhead. And I woke up.

Honestly, I don't know what he meant by "a girl after my own name." Strange dreams. But the penis thing turned out to be a painting.

Friends Only

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 06:14:42 GMT

Fucking sick of the lurkers and morons... and my rl friends don't really read anyway.... so damn it... I'm making this friends only.

Edit: Guess I should point out... that I am NOT going to delete those who are on my friends list already... I would very much like to keep all of you. I'm just trying to keep a select 2 away.

Something Else I Miss

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 23:14:06 GMT

I went to IGA with my parents because I need more soy milk. Gosh I love soy milk. The waitress at the restaurant where we had breakfast didn't listen properly and gave me a glass of chocolate milk. Regular milk. It tasted weird. And kind of gross. Any way, I decided to get a thing of chocolate soy milk,... see how that tastes. My mom was shopping for things for dinner and we went to the salad dressing aisle. I saw the brand that Ted's parents buy, and it hit me: I miss them. I miss Ted's parents. Not as much as I miss Ted, definitely not... but I do miss them. They're great people and I always felt... okay around them. I felt comfortable. I never felt comfortable around Ted's friends, I always felt I had to... be someone I'm not... I had to prove something. With his parents, I didn't. And they probably liked me. I don't know if they did or not, and Ted won't ever really tell me, but I think they did. I definitely felt better with them then I do with my own parents. I wonder... will I ever see them again? I really hope so...

There's one thing that's really pissing me off... and I've just kind of kept it bottled up. I'm hoping to talk about it with Ted tonight.... but I just... I can't really hold it in any longer....

I'm so pissed off with people telling me that Ted and I have no chance, or almost not chance, or virtually no chance... etc. And I've figured out why. It scares me and it hurts me. It scares me and hurts me because.... for awhile now, people have been telling me that Ted's going to break up with me.... Here and there, they'd say he's going to.... and sure enough he did. So now, when people tell me... that my relationship with Ted is a charade, and that stuff like this never works out, and that we have no chance of making it work.... It scares me... Because if they were right about that, maybe they're right about this.

But they're not. I know they're not. axiom_ascended keeps telling me that it's all about choice. Well, isn't whether my relationship works or not about choice as well? How can you (or anyone) say that this has no chance of working, but then turn around and say that I can be healthy and happy, if I choose it? It's the same damn thing.

So listen up: My relationship is NOT a fucking charade. Say what you want about me and what I write in my livejournal, but calling my relationship a charade IS NOT OKAY and it's insulting to Ted as it is to me. Think about that (thank God she doesn't read anymore, but that was aimed at someone specifically as well as everyone in general... her bf who still reads will know who I'm talking about). I am NOT going to listen to anymore people telling me we have no chance.... or little to no chance. And if I hear ANY of those or anything even remotely similar to that.... I will tell you to go to hell and not talk to you again. I don't need that in my life. Got it? Good.

Interesting Dream

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 17:31:14 GMT

I dreamt I was doing a LARP, but whatever we thought would happen did happen. Like we all had super powers, and my super power was to fly... and I actually flew. A lot happened in the dream and I don't remember it all... but at one point I got pregnant.... and my younger brother was playing a scientist (he is really good at chemisty) and in the game he was my brother in law. Any way, I got pregnant somehow... I think it was immaculate conception... and my baby was suppose to be evil. My brother in law invented a serum to cause the pregnancy to stop progressing while he figured out a way to abort the baby (I stayed at about 4 months pregnant), since it was impossible otherwise.

I had a thing going with this one guy, but he ended up marrying someone else. I don't know why, but I think it was my friend axiom from LJ. In a fit of jealousy I took a serum that made my pregnancy progress and... from something out of Angel I turned evil. I ruined his wedding and then took off and had my baby. Except while I was out... Oh and this just gets weird.... for the next 5 months or so I went searching for the guy who's sperm I heard could kill my baby (meaning I had sex with hundreds of guys.... forced them to.... some of them any way). I never found him.... so I gave birth.... to a beautiful bouncing baby boy... that I named Damien. Well, you know, since he's suppose to be evil. Oh, most people know if they have super powers because they're obvious usually. But a guy with killer sperm? Not really... I had to look everywhere.

I flew back to where my friends were... and apologized profusely. My brother in law had either disappeared or died at some point so he couldn't back up my story about my pregnancy making me evil. But somehow they believed me and forgave me.... and then I woke up.

Is that not fucked up or what?

Cute Little Antidote

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 23:56:57 GMT

While driving wtih my brother to go shopping for books... we saw a hearse with the license plate: cyasoon.

What a hoot.

Another Dream

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 16:50:17 GMT

Only this time it was about Steve. I went to SK to look for him, to hang out with him. And, apparently, the border seperating where he lives andwhere I live was very small. In fact, we lived in the same town, just... different sides of the border. It was also winter and very cold.... or something. I finally caught up with him.... and I don't really remember what went on. It was confusing.

Dreams

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:09:59 GMT

I had a couple of dreams, both of them featuring Ted and my family. First one, Ted and I were in a hotel room. I dunno, my dad had a room in some hotel for some reason but gave it to Ted and I. We were starting to go at it (you know, sex), but somehow my brothers got in and were using it. It was weird. And frustrating, because obviously we couldn't really have sex anymore. Man, I am *really* going to miss that.....

The second one.... Ted just disappeared into thin air one day (literally) and was gone for a year and then just reappeared into thin air again. I think he and I had been living together because I got Tony. Which, you know, would never really happen in real life because I can't stand cats. Tony liked hiding under a christmas tree and also liked peeing under there. When Ted came back, I was dating someone else, and engaged; and also when he came back, it had been like only a second had passed for him.

Edit: I went back to sleep and had another sexy dream. Though this one didn't feature Ted. I was going for a walk down the neighborhood on the west end that I used to live in... Any way, I walked back to this fancy area with this fancy hotel. A guy was following me at some point, and I wasn't concerned. In fact I was smiling. Turned out he was a bell boy. We flirted before we went into the hotel and he thought I was getting a room and wondered where my bags were. I went up to the front desk, while he was changing to start his shift, and laughed with the girl, saying he must be new. Then I got onto the elevator and road up to the penthouse. Apparently my family owned the hotel, so I lived in one of the suites. Later I invited the bell boy up and we had sex. He wanted like a relationship or something, but I refused. Guess I was still holding out for someone.

dreams

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 19:02:00 GMT

I had a few dreams last night, but only one I really remember. I was an actress, fighting for a part in a TV series with another actress. She was kind of snobby and stuck up and I was just me. At one point I went shopping for a new set of clothes to help me win the part. Someone was pushing me around in a wheel chair, for some odd reason. I found some really weird clothes and lingerie and also a gorgeous red silk dress. Then, I went to a screening of this show that I'm trying to win a part for. I don't know if I won the part or not.... Also, I was slim and thought I was attractive.

I'm not sure what that means... and Ask Eve on Kasamba won't talk to me because she's a bitch. Seriously, I told her about Ted and she said "I told you so. That's what you get for not listening to me." Except I did listen to her... I was trying to be more appreciative to Ted. Bleh. Don't ever talk to her if you ever try that site. I mean, seriously, what kind of "expert" is that judgemental? That controlling? That unprofessional? Oh well I guess.

This Is Different

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 03:10:43 GMT

I've been dumped dozens of times, but this is really different. Usually I'm very angry, as well as sad. Now I'm just very very sad. Not only that, but if this had been any other relationship, I would have been too angry to pay him at all for the laptop. As it is.... I don't want to pay the interest. It was fine while we were together, but not now. And since I'm absolutely miserable, and I refuse to burn bridges, my parents are willing to buy him out, and then I pay them back. But see, I wouldn't have cared before. I would have just ignored him. I would have burned the bridge.

Maybe I'm growing up after all.

And seriously, I don't feel any anger at the moment. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Anger is apparently a better feeling then grief, but my anger is toxic and burns bridges.

But I feel like I've lost half of me. I know he's stronger then me, and he'll probably feel a lot better by the end of the 3 weeks, while it'll take me years. Hell.... I plan on being a spinster. If I have a kid, it's going to be through adoption... Like a foster parent or something... I dunno. But I'm never going to have sex again, and I'm never going to fall in love again. I just don't want to. What I had was real, despite what some people think. I don't want anybody else. Ever. That's different, too, because I knew... that eventually I'd get back on the horse.

Meh. I know I know... you'll say I'll get over it, and he's not worth it, and I will find someone else. But he is worth it, I don't want to get over it, and I don't want to find someone else. It's better if I'm alone any way. Easier for me to become independent, in my own way. And I will do it. For me, not for him or my parents.

That, strangely, is the positive. The negative? I totally blame myself for everything.

Grieving

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 18:50:48 GMT

I probably won't be around much for the next little while. I have a lot of grieving to do. I lost someone very important to me, and I feel like I've lost part of myself. I hope you understand. I'm just really hurting...

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 00:46:45 GMT

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Because I Got High.... Because I Got High

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 04:21:17 GMT

So my stomach felt a little upset again today... so I took a gravol. I figured it'd make me sleepy, but I could survive through a bit of sleepiness...

My parents came home today and we all went out to dinner to Red Robins. I got very very high. It was fun.... I was all friendly, gregarious, and waving my hands around... slapping Ted around because he was calling me a dumb blond... Plus my talking was kind of slow and stunted. Soooo funny!

I was fine not 30 minutes later. But it was totally awesome.

I got high. Off gravol. I mean, how awesome is that?

Ted says that when I started to come down, I got mean. I started hitting him for no reason, and I started bringing up my mom's abusive ex boyfriend. Really, I don't see how bringing him up was mean... but I kept hitting him cuz he kept laughing at me.

Bad Dream

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 18:54:54 GMT

The dream I had last night: My boyfriend and I were swimming... somewhere I've never been before... and out of nowhere he breaks up with me.

A year goes by and I'm a TA in a kindergarten class... and I'm still not over him. I meet another guy, that I used to go to high school with... and we used to hate each other. I'm kind of emotionaless throughout the relationship, although I kind of like this guy... I'm just not over Ted. I get the feeling he died.

I had a tiny little green VW bug for a car, and I had this tiny, crappy apartment... but it was all mine...

Then I dreamt that I was telling Ted about the dream... in some weird office I've never been before... lol

I did not like the dream!

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 07:38:31 GMT

Bah! So much for my sleeping idea.... I so need the pills and holosync now. So annoying. Oh, well... :)

I have to be up by 10 AM at the latest because for tomorrow only, and only for 2 hours, I get to talk to experts for 2 cents a minute. I SO hope my favorite expert will be online, or I will be pissed! She promised she would.... so hopefully she will. I guess we'll see at 10 am...

I had dinner with my younger brother and his girlfriend, and I talked about Ted and I not being able to have a conversation without getting into a fight and they were like "Yeah.... I know what you mean." They've only been dating since Easter... and already they have problems like Ted and I? Not only that, but they seemed to ahve worked through them? Though probably not... we played board games afterwards and Katie looked mighty annoyed with my brother! I feel a little better knowing Ted and I aren't alone.....

Also, my Star Wars Game of Life is missing! I'm so sad!!!!

My Mother is an Angry Parent

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 04:15:45 GMT

From Anger Management For Dummies:

Affecting the Health of Those You Care About

If you're not all that concerned about the fact that your anger is poisoning your life, at least be concerned about what it's doing to those you live with and love. Living with a habitually angery - sometimes rageful - person is no different from living with someone who is a heavy smoker. All that anger you're spewing over the years can rob your family of energy, make them ill, and ruin their careers as well.

Common to all victims of angry parenting:

- Low self-esteem .................. Check
- A lack of identity .................. Check
- Suppressed emotions (most especially anger) ............ Sometimes
- A feeling of estrangement and discomfort when in the company of others.................... Check
- An insatiable need to please people .................. Mostly Check
- Critical self-judgement .................................. Check
- An inability to experience intimacy in adult relationships ................. Sometimes
- A defensive orientation towards life ("I'm sorry -- It must be my fault.)........... Sometimes
- A lack of assertiveness ................... Check
- A tendency to underachieve in her choice of occupation....................... CHECK!
- Frequent bouts of depression ..................... CHECK!!!

Very very interesting indeed!!!!

Angry Rant

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 05:39:10 GMT

I was going to put this in a more private section, but I thought, "Ah screw it. I'm not ashamed, I'm not embarrassed, I did nothing wrong.... Let everyone just deal with how personal I am about to get."

Are Ted and I the only people in the whole wide world that think it'd be a good idea to contact social services about the once-teenage-boy-now-adult-with-a-daughter-of-his-own who mollested me when I was about 7? I mean, seriously, sure he did it like 20 years ago and may not ever do it again... But wouldn't you rather risk disrupting some guys life then risk letting a girl even just slightly, possibly, get mollested herself? Even if there was less then 1% chance of it happening? I know *I* would, especially since it happened to me!

I'm not 100% sure on these statistics, but 70% of child sexual abuse cases are done by a family member. 90% of THOSE cases are done by the father. Sure, this man was a teenager when he abused me... but I am *REALLY* annoyed with EVERYONE saying it was "teenage hormones." Seriously, if it was YOUR child, would you *REALLY* care if it was teenage hormones or not???? I know I wouldn't!!!

What happened to bring this up:

My mom knows the name of said babysitter. I only remember his first name: Elmer. I need to ask her, but I know if I do, she'll talk me out of it by saying it's not worth it, it was probably teenage hormones, and I'd just be disrupting his life for nothing... yadda yadda. My dad comes on and I go "Hey... maybe I can get dad to ask for me... won't be suspicious, he's good at asking things that sound like he's just curious..." So I talk to him... He says EVERYTHING I'm afraid my mom will say!!! Immediately my heart starts pumping, my blood begins to boil and I start to warm up (which is good because I was freezing until now), and my stomach starts to gurgle and feel upset.

I then went and talked to a friend about how angry I was feeling... and he said "It was probably just teenage hormones, and it's a really bad idea...." He has a baby girl....

You'd think parents WOULD think it's a good idea! You'd think they'd think about their childs welfare and go "Yeah that's a smart idea." But nope, apparently they only think about the poor guy who's life will be disrupted. Seriously, if Ted and I got married and had a girl and I found out he mollested a girl as a teenager and I found out about it later, I'd appreciate it, even if Ted is extremely remorseful now and not likely to hurt our baby.

Whew... Wow... That was more then I meant to say, and I feel tons better.... :). Maybe I don't need to talk to Ted to vent afterall :). Though I have to say, after hearing people tell me NOT to do it, I feel more like I want to. I was realllllly on the fence... now I'm leaning more towards "yes."

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 03:26:00 GMT

So I think I'm going to try 5 good things again today. I think it's important....

1. I finally got around to watching On The Lot, the only "reality" TV show that I like. There's a director I hate more then anything and I've been dying for him to leave for... well since the show started. Recently he was finally voted off. I feel he should have been sooner... but he was finally.... I am kind of sad that only one person will win, because other then Kenny, I actually like most of the directors... lol.

2. Ted cancelled on me Thursday afternoon, but he made up for it by coming by after work... and that was LOADS of fun..... Even though we did, again, forget the conversation we meant to have since Monday.... Oy...

3. I called around to a couple of places and got an appointment with a counselor really close to home. I was terrified I really wasn't going to find someone.... but thankfully I did. It may be short term... but it's a good start.

4. I listened to holosync and fell asleep to that.

5. I ate pizza for dinner... and also bought some coke. Yummy.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 03:20:12 GMT

I want more people to talk to :)

What's Been Happening

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 08:08:50 GMT

All right, so I promised myself that I would write all good things, no matter how personal, in this journal... and even though I'm a little frightened, I'm going to do it any way :).

Most of you probably all know by now that Ted and I are in couples counseling. 3 sessions so far, and it's going quite well. Better then I'd hoped, actually. On our second session I was certain it wouldn't help.... But I guess I won't really know how well it's helping until we have another fight. Kind of hard to judge these things when things have been mostly good since last Friday :).

Warning: About to get really personal.... read ONLY if you can stomach it :).

I noticed just last night, that in the last few weeks, I haven't enjoyed the sexual aspect of things in a little while. Due to stress and worries, and what have you. I just wanted it to be over with at times. Not to say that it wasn't good... just not AS good... It was particularily bad the last week or two.... Any way, today when we finally got around to making love (so cute! Ted wanted to go before swimming but I was too nervous of my mother coming up and down the stairs, so we waited until after swimming, but Ted pouted a lot!) that wasn't a problem. It was good, and I did not want it to finish. It was nice...

End of really personal rant!!

I think things are really looking up for both of us. I think maybe this will work.

Sunday I had an appointment with an online counselor and that went well.... she was easy and fun to talk to... She feels I should work on my anger first. I guess I will.... Just need to get "Anger Management for Dummies."

Wow... Uhm...

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 07:33:06 GMT

I was in bed by 9 I believe. Heck, I think it may have been 8:30. Ted's car was hot. Very hot. Stepping out of his car was like stepping into a fridge in comparison. Then there wer outdoor pictures, and no water for a stupid me. I got ill. Very ill. No dinner, no cake...

So much for refusing to have anything but a good birthday..... lol

Now it's 1:30, and I need to eat. Cake :P. I also want to wake Ted....

Presents: Harry Potter (latest), Star Wars movies (all of them), X-Men 1 twice by accident... from the same person no less, oops lol!, 2 of 4 sims expansions I wanted (but I got 3 boxes... again a repeat of the same game), shoes, dolphin necklace... and I think that's it. Ted says he got me a subscription to Positive Thinking (magazine) but he's having issues with them or something.